


"If I had known before" (I would've been able to protect her)

by selflessbellamy



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pregnancy, Angst, Clarke is taken hostage, F/M, Future Fic, Poor Bellamy is powerless
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-09
Updated: 2015-02-16
Packaged: 2018-03-11 09:30:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3322433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selflessbellamy/pseuds/selflessbellamy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on Tumblr prompt: "Can you write future fic about a pregnant Clarke being taken by a new enemy that they and the grounders have been at war with, and Bellamy going out of his mind worried about her (more than usual) and nobody gets why because no one knows she's pregnant yet?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is super angsty - Let me know if you want a part two :)
> 
> Playlist for this fic (if any of you want to listen to music while reading):
> 
> \- Silhouettes by Of Monsters And Men  
> \- Bleeding out by Imagine Dragons  
> \- Silence by Arrows to Athens  
> \- Down by Jason Walker (featuring Molly Reed)  
> \- Not about angels by Birdy

Every day, the nightmares plagued Bellamy Blake, and every day he walked to the lake, sat there in silence hoping that the fresh, clean wind would blow away the guilt within the memories of her; settle the anxiousness within his chest, try to keep his breath steady. But it was hard, almost impossible to shove off - she was. Surprisingly, not all of the memories were bad - a few of them had been carved into his mind an eternity ago, and he struggled to remember what peace felt like. It might’ve surrounded him, yet he couldn’t let it in, not with them having taken her: The Ice Nation; an enemy feared by the coldest of hearts like The Commander’s.

 

However, they didn’t just take _her._

_Still, he was the only one who knew that._

Simply the thought of it caused him to clench his jaw, begging for the goddamn counsel to figure out something faster - if he was in charge here, he wouldn’t waste another second on fucking unimportant politics.

They used to sit here together, Clarke and him - watching either the sun or the moon, depending on what kind of mood they were in that day - depending on how frustrated their lack of influence in their society had played out. See, this was why they should have something to say. After all, he wasn’t a kid, but Clarke seemed to be the lone person acknowledging that - With her gone, there was not anything that he could do, aside from praying that they’d start action before they ended up killing her - Or something worse (Bellamy had never believed that he’d ever think that there was a worse scenario, and until three months ago, there actually hadn’t been)

 

***

 

_“We need to talk.” It was a rare sight: Clarke standing outside of his tent, drenched from the heavy rain, a close to blank expression on her face, yet the request was one that he was more familiar with, so it hadn’t really surprised him, not even though it was a sort of weird time to talk about leadership._

_“You don’t say - come in here, I can’t believe that they turned us down again - We’ve got our friends home from that mountain-“_

_Clarke, who normally had no problem with this topic, cut him off, her voice slightly shaking: “Please, don’t get too worked up. I know you’re angry, I am too, but I beg of you - that’s not why I’m here.” Despite appearing perfectly fine a moment ago, she was strangely upset now, having trouble retuning his gaze, which changed to confused at an instant, his eyebrows furrowing, creating a couple of concerned wrinkles on his forehead._

_“Are you alright?” clearing his throat, he found the courage to continue, dreading the reply, “is something wrong?”_

_Glancing at him, she bit her lower lip as if pulling herself together - a view that didn’t quite calm his nerves, to say the least. She exhaled sharply, and when she turned to finally face him, the view of tears in her eyes threatened to paralyze him. Although he had seen her cry before, the current atmosphere was completely unknown; not caused by the typical, devastating situation - This was painful on a different level - somehow way scarier._

_“I don’t wanna lie to you, though more importantly this is something that you have the right to know, Bellamy…. That night, I thought it was - perfect, right? No harm done, let’s move past this, maybe even throw it in the pile of memorable things that are sure never to happen again. Turns out, I was wrong. One, because I love you, and two -“ hitching, she paused for a second, allowing herself to breathe, “- I’m pregnant.”_

_What?_

_Upon looking at the tears on her cheeks, he gave himself just three seconds to recover before reaching out to pull her close in a way that was nearly awkward. But he didn’t know what else to do, and for a while he didn’t know what to say either._

_“How long have you been trying to tell me?” Why on Earth did he choose to ask that given the fact that it obviously wasn’t the most burning question on his mind?_

_“Too long.”_

***

 

A week later, they had taken her hostage, ripping her out of Abby’s arms like the people of The Ark had taken Octavia from him all of those years ago - Therefore, he had recognized the terror in her eyes, understood it. At this point, he hated himself for not returning her love confession that night, which he truly hadn’t - not because he didn’t love her, but because it hurt to do so.

 

People would never get it, and perhaps that was fair enough.

 

***

 

“I swear to God, if you don’t sanction a mission soon I’m going by myself.” Sadly, this was his third attempt at talking to Abby, Kane and Jaha, however there was a slightly bigger chance of getting through to them with a couple of their friends present - here to help him, he thought, which was why Raven’s words left him somewhat stunned: “Bellamy, calm down. Have you forgotten that it’s Clarke we’re talking about? I know that you care for her, but seriously - she’ll make it out.”

“I don’t doubt that.” Murmuring, he realized that he had to deal with more than three stubborn people.

“It actually sounds very much like it,” okay, Monty wasn’t coming to the rescue either, and this was beginning to look more and more like a dead end, “of all people, Bellamy, you should know exactly how badass she is. She’ll fight her way out. You don’t need to worry.”

“It’s not her that I’m worried about!” He was hit by a wave of frustration, which brought along anger and blended it to a ‘wonderful’ cocktail of emotions that he possibly wasn’t going to be able to control despite his every effort (promise) to stay calm while handling this, knowing that that was what Clarke would have wanted. Looking to Abby momentarily, his eyes were pleading - she remained silent, hopelessly returning the feelings behind them.

“Then what is worrying you, son? After the war, I’m afraid we at this moment don’t have-“

“She’s pregnant! With my child!” Not caring anymore, Bellamy cut Kane off, the words pouring out of his mouth - then, it caused his knees to buckle, the world spinning, nauseating him to the point where he collapsed into the chair behind them, running a hand over his face. Immediately, someone was next to him, presumably Octavia. And the rest appeared shocked enough to let him continue: “You say I shouldn’t worry because I know how strong she is? Anyway that is the reason to why I’m scared. She is a survivor, but the baby’s not. And I _know_ that they’ll torture her - I know that she won’t say anything - It’s Clarke for God’s sake! She’ll do anything to escape, which will result in a miscarriage, and I-“ Internally cursing, he felt angrily burning tears behind his shut eyelids, clenching teeth to prevent them from spilling, “- If I had just known before, I would have been able to protect her.”

 

“Bellamy-“

 

“Wanna know the terrible truth? You are forcing me to sit here and wait for my child to die - you are expecting me to sit still and comfortable while they torture the woman that I love. Why you refuse to realize that, is beyond me. But I hope that you understand why I’m leaving.”

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the highly demanded second part - with even more angst this time. 
> 
> Playlist for this part:
> 
> \- Silhouttes by Of Monsters And Men  
> \- I see fire by Ed Sheeran  
> \- Somebody to die for by Hurts  
> \- Atlas by Coldplay  
> \- Gone too soon by Daughtry

_“Some far away, some search for gold, some dragon to slay_

_Heaven we hope is just up the road_

_Show me the way, Lord because I am about to explode,”_

They most likely thought he was rather insane; making that quite clear as their interrogating questions almost followed him all the way to The Fallen Ark across camp. However, those were only going to be answered if he found Clarke alive, which he realized was a decreasing chance - a prayer. Oh, how he prayed despite no longer believing in a god, despite not believing in hope - hardly anything, really. Still, it was his last attempt to try and calm himself with Octavia constantly pulling at his sleeve.

 

“You got Clarke pregnant? Are you kidding me?”

“Yes I did, that’s what I said.” Grabbing his favorite rifle from the weapon cabinet, he shrugged her off for what seemed like the first time in his entire life - something he couldn’t bare for longer than a second though, turning around to look at his sister, reflecting her worried facial expression.

He wasn’t trying to deny the fact that what he was about to do would probably kill him - in fact, the glare he gave her spoke an apology, too. This was just something that had to be done, because he refused to let himself fail to protect her ever again.

“It’s not your job to protect her, Bell. You don’t have to do it - we’ll figure something out like we always do, alright?”

“Then what is my job?” Understandably, other people had given up trying to figure out Clarke and his relationship a long time ago - And he was bound to admit that it had even confused him occasionally - especially after what had happened that night three months back; it was not in their nature to want each other, to love one another so deeply as they had. Clarke had said it also, shortly before she told him- that all she had wished to do was to forget in order to move on, but the… The baby sort of made that really difficult suddenly. There was no going back.

Closing his eyes, he cursed himself for sleeping with her, and then being too weak to admit that he actually     loved her. Just whenever he would look into those blue eyes - colored with the depth of the ocean - it left him speechless without proper reason. Loving her simply caused him to question everything he had been sure about; had ruined the status of their partnership that he had until then been perfectly happy with.

Octavia opened her mouth to reply, but closed it again, allowing his brother to continue: “If there’s one thing that I still know, it is that I would do anything to protect her, O.”

 

“Bellamy…” The change of her tone got him looking at her, “Go.”

 

***

Shockingly, his mind was completely blank, and he found himself trusting the horse to guide the way more the map, which didn’t make sense anymore - it had _fear_ written all over it.

As Lexa previously had mentioned, the camp of The Ice Nation was far from what you would expect: she had pointed out that the name of the clan wasn’t official, but given to them to match the coldness of their hearts - Now, the thought of it tightened his stomach into nothing except a painful knot of terror.

There had to be some way that he could get to Clarke without getting noticed - however, upon considering loads of different plans - each growing more and more impossible - he found that the only way to get in was to become a prisoner himself.

“Bellamy, if you really want to get yourself killed, might as well do it among friends, right?” Jumping down from a tree, Lincoln, Nyko, Miller, Jasper and Monty presented themselves with serious faces.

 

_If we should die tonight, then we should all die together._

“Got a plan?”

“Now I do. But it involves you trusting me.”

 

 

Enough for all of them excluding Miller (who went with him) to distract any guards for exactly those fifteen minutes it was going to take the two to get inside the dungeons - an old bunker a little outside of the town they were beginning to rebuild. Bellamy had to thank Lexa for giving additional information about The Ice Nation during the war, which they miraculously had won. Taking Clarke hostage was a way of them proving that they longed for revenge. Three months ago, their base had been left like a ruin, their army deprived of above six hundred men.

 

 _Revenge,_ Bellamy thought, tears burning in his eyes at the abrupt realization, _they could already have killed her, and he would be too late._

“Watch out!” Miller shouted just in time for Bellamy to dodge the fist of a tall man, which instead of hitting its planned target that was his head, went cutting through mid air. Despite being in lack of guns, these people still had some of the most effective weapons they had ever seen: long knives, swords and strength as Grounders that simply couldn’t be taken from them. With one bullet, Miller shot the man - they didn’t turn around to see where if it had killed him, continuing their fast path through the surprisingly empty corridors.

 

Soon, they figured why there had hardly been any men at guard…

 

Because they were all standing in the same room, stickled together like delinquents at mealtimes, watching something that they could not see from their current hiding place behind a wall. Even though the people were obviously busy, Bellamy and Miller didn’t dare to speak, using their eyes as a backup for verbal communication.

 

Miller: _I expect you to lead the way, King. I’ll go when you go._

Bellamy: _Will you just listen to them?_

Turning his head, Miller began paying attention to the low words of a woman, who was standing with her back to them and her head bowed down towards something they couldn’t see either. “You’ve given us nothing yet.” Since The Ice Nation like The Grounders rarely spoke English to one of their own, it had to mean that they were talking to _her -_ Also, the voice proved that by being cold and even somewhat sadistic.

For the first time in almost a month, Bellamy heard Clarke’s voice - although there were no words, the moans of pain were enough for him to lose his cool: “I have to get closer.” 

“Dude, are you crazy? The chance of them standing there with big ass butcher knives, is close to a hundred.”

“That is my world in there, Miller. At this point, I couldn’t care less about what they’ll do to me as long as they don’t do it to her.”

  

***

   

_And there's no hell that he can show me_

_That's deeper than my pride_

_Cause I will never be forgotten_

_Forever I'll fight_

It was insane, and he knew it, but it was the only way: a decision that had to be made - a lot of choices are made out of pure desperation, not influenced as much as a tiny bit by sensibility or actual bravery. 

Someone pulled their hand into his mind, pressing the slow motion botton down, so that when they were caught with bullets flying towards aimed targets, they saw everything painfully clear. War once more - One they had started in order to get one of their friend back. _Sky people were surely the weakest clan of them all, Indra was right._

The last person standing in the room besides them, was that women: She turned around, staring blankly at Bellamy with her icy pale pupils, and although she was unarmed, not posing a threat, Bellamy understood that everyone of those men lying dead or dying around them had died to protect her like the way they themselves were willing to die for Clarke.

In a moment, Bellamy realized that the last thing he wanted to do was shoot her, not only because of the risk of another war would seriously increase with the action, but because of the fact that cruelty and coldness bred respect: one that was rooted in fear.

 

“I am Bellamy of The Sky People, and you have something I want.”

 

Despite having aimed at her, he attempted to find his way to Clarke’s cage without doing any more harm.

“Kill her!” Clarke yelped in warning, her voice strained. But it was too late, and he felt a knife painfully slicing through the strip of bare skin underneath the hem of his shirt, yet before it could twist further to create a stab wound, Miller shot the woman, who fell to the floor instantly, her knife however still stuck in Bellamy’s side. Until Miller pulled it out, briefly growling in disgust while Bellamy’s shaking fingers fumbled to open the lock on the cage. 

She didn’t appear to be badly injured, but her eyes were full of tears, and heart-wrenching sobs prevented any words from leaving her mouth once he wrapped her up, whispering soothingly into her ear (it didn’t help, no matter how much he tried)

 

_What had they done to her?_

The more she broke, the more he shivered, finding it hard to let go of her suddenly weak frame as it was time to get the hell out before the rest of their friends got in serious trouble.

 

***

 

_Who would you be,_

_What would you look like,_

_Would you have my smile and her eyes?_

Don’t think. Just run.

Don’t think. Run.

Don’t think -

 

In the mist of adrenaline rushing through his veins, and the stinging pain of the wound at his side, Bellamy somehow still heard her breath hitching and struggling as they passed yet another blur of green trees - still felt her hand slipping from his.

The sound of her back sliding quickly down a tree trunk, another line of sobs starting to roll from her throat, forced him out of trance, straight back to tragic reality and the: “I can’t- I- I can’t do this. I just need to break.” 

Cupping her face with his hands, Bellamy attempted to get their eyes to meet, but the tears in hers refused his worried gaze. A mix of fear and powerlessness was eating at his heart, causing it to hurt enough to drown out the physical pain, and draw all attention off of his blood soaking the strip of Miller’s shirt around his wound. He became aware of how drained she was at the moment where he embraced her again, her body shaking and threatening to collapse against his own with the truth:

 

_“The baby’s dead. They forced me to abort.”_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt a need to write in Abby's POV this time to get some dynamic between her and Bellamy :)
> 
> Playlist for the chapter:
> 
> \- Medicine by Daugther  
> \- Fix you by Coldplay  
> \- Wait by M83  
> \- We might fall Ryan Stars  
> \- We must be killers by Mikky Ekko
> 
> I love reading your lovely comments :) They make me so happy.

**_ Abby Griffin POV: _ **

The mother felt physically numb, her hand pushing the button to open the door without her brain registering anything but confusing thoughts, and the lone thing she got out of them was even more worry about her daughter, who she knew would be just behind that wall sliding open.

But the view was nothing like she had expected: If it had been bloodbath, broken limbs or even need for an urgent surgery she would have known what to do, in fact would have been more calm, yet the reality was her daughter cradled on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably while in the arms of Bellamy Blake; a boy, whom she had allowed herself to judge given his past decisions - Those that she believed would reflect an aggressive nature; Abby’s first ideas had been that never would Clarke agree with nor care for such a man, because they seemed so incredibly different on the surface. When they had come down here, reality was pure disbelief, since her daughter (a former idealist like her father) supported his decisions and was capable of understanding them.

 

“I had to- I had to tell the truth - I-“ Listening to it was horrible: Clarke’s usual clear, determined voice now slurred by the intensity of her sobs and devastation. Much like the night that she had killed Finn, however you had to be stupid not to realize that this situation was radically different, although the depth of it was still unknown to Abby.

 

For the first time, The Chancellor actually felt for Bellamy: the sight of him trying to sooth Clarke while being in denial and broken himself, tore and ripped at her heart, but in despite of that he honestly probably still did a better job at it than Abby would have: one of his hands supported her head, keeping it in place on his shoulder while the other was absently rubbing the small of her back, both making sure that she was pulled close and that the rest of the sobs were freed from her strained throat. All that he did, but he didn’t say a word, which Abby wasn’t sure what meant: Didn’t he know what to say? Or didn’t the words make any sense in his occupied mind? 

Then, Bellamy finally noticed her standing there, motionless in the door, her head a little bowed to avoid full eye contact, which she didn’t need to tell that her daughter wasn’t the only person forced into a vulnerable state right now. It felt wrong to look at a broken man.

 

“I need to know what happened.” Feeling shameful at saying that, she realized that being honest was most likely the best thing in spite of everything.

 

“If I knew the whole story myself, I would have told you already.” Bellamy replied, barely taking his eyes off of Clarke, who had stopped crying but shook continuously until lifting her slightly red-eyed gaze to her mother, inhaling a little sharply before starting to talk, the explanation bursting from her mouth:

 

“At first they had clearly planned to torture me physically, and they could tell that it scared me, not because I was afraid of the pain: what caused my fear had to be desperation. Isla, the woman who stabbed you, Bellamy, told her guards that. I had- I had to tell them the truth: that I was three months pregnant. They believed me without a doubt, heard me plead constantly for them to be merciful - What was- -- I thinking? We’re talking about the people, who captured, tortured and killed Lexa’s girlfriend in front of her eyes. I should’ve known that they wouldn’t hesitate to kill an unborn child.” Even though her eyes appeared to have dried out, she squeezed them shut anyway, relaxing a little more as Bellamy pressed his lips to her forehead in comfort, and Abby suddenly admired him for patiently waiting for her to be ready to continue.

  

She, as a mother was more restless for what was to come, or at least it seemed like so.

 

“On the day, they told me that their _decision_ was made ‘cause of justice - that was the lone reason they cared to give me before forcing poison in my mouth while listening to me begging. I know it wasn’t going to help, but I couldn’t do anything else. I remember struggling to catch my breath yet forcing myself to beg her to stop the men holding me. Of course I knew that none of them cared, but I just kept _going_. How do you keep going when the worst thing is bound to happen? If my child was going to die, it would be while I was fighting to save its life; I felt sick, but it was no question… I blacked out, woke up what seemed like a minute later in a pool of my own blood and vomit. It was over. It was done. And I hadn’t been able to do anything about it.”

Again, she was shaking from emotion, yet this time it was plain anger, and Abby was aware that the next stage of grief had hit. There was a long way to go, and the worst part was that road probably had no end.

 

  1. _Denial_
  2. _Anger_
  3. _Bargaining_
  4. _Depression_
  5. ~~_Acceptance…_~~



 

Therefore, she left them there, turning towards Marcus as soon as she got into the room full of awaiting people (among them was Raven, Monty, Miller, Jasper, Octavia, Jaha and even John Murphy), stopping him by placing a hand to his chest: “No,” she said firmly, “They lost a child-- And need time to heal.“ At those last words, her star travelled to everyone present until it shifted away, resting blankly ahead. Then, she made a quick choice to get out and have some air before the thick, mournful one in there was going to choke her. 

Abby found that the more she tried to convince herself that it somehow was their own fault for being so stupid, the more she started to realize that she simply wasn’t capable nor the sort of person to not remark the fact that this tragedy was something that was going to haunt them from for the rest of their lives no matter how much of it they ended up mending…

 

***

 

That became clear two months later when suddenly, seemingly without reason upon the first counsel meeting that Bellamy and Clarke had been invited to (The 47 had voted for them to be delegates whenever they were the topic), the guy had expressed frustration enough to nearly flip a table. Confused for a moment, Abby had confronted him.

 

“I don’t know what happened right there. I’m sorry, believe me. I just needed to sit down and breathe, you know?” Abby nodded, slightly biting her lower lip trying to keep the words from pouring out only to soon figure that that action was to no use.

“You got my daughter pregnant, Bellamy. For me not to blame you I need a proper explanation, I think you’re aware of that.” Running his hand over his face and through his hair, the request obviously overwhelmed him, but upon a short minute of thinking it about it, he agreed with a slight nod, refusing to meet her eyes as he attempted to find the right words.

“Honestly I am trying to come up with reasons to lie to you; to tell you that I never loved her, that sleeping with her was just one of my many comforting gestures - because I know that’s what you want to hear. You don’t want me to love her - And many people come to think that I don’t deserve her…” Casting a sidelong glance at the expressionless mother, Bellamy paused for a brief moment, “Do I think that I deserve her? I actually don’t know; in my head, all I’ve ever done is protect her - it became a priority, a job almost. And then suddenly, after that night I was hit by a huge rock saying: ‘holy crap I love her’. I’d been so busy focusing on keeping her safe that I missed what it truly was underneath: an unconditional love, admiration and respect for her. I had no idea how long it had been there: it could have been an hour or even a year, but I would never really know the truth. That’s why it’s so complicated. I love her, I see that now, so please don’t kill me.”

 

Following was a long, somewhat uncomfortable silence where Abby relentlessly tried to read his facial expression to figure out how on Earth he was feeling right now, because some way he looked very nervous, his eyes drifting from place to place in front of him, and on the other hand he appeared more controlled, which were two emotions that you normally were able to tell from each other easily. However, it wasn’t with him.

 

“You can blame me all you want, Ma’am. Sometimes, I even still blame myself. But upon over a year of being down here, you sort of learn to understand that there are some lines that can’t be uncrossed: some wrong decisions that will plague your life forever - loving her was maybe one of them.”

“No, Bellamy. I hope you’re able to see that your love for my daughter is not unrequited. I’m her mother, and I’m not blind: I see it in the way that she looks at you and even speaks of you. Your love for each other is written all over you. Why don’t do something about it before you kill us all?”

 

Well, maybe she should never have said that…


End file.
